Manners matter...

Since everyone needs meaningful relationships, we might as well do our best to be good at them. Good relationships are based on two simple principles; maturity and ethics. Maturity is simply the condition of being fully grown, especially mentally and emotionally. It is synonymous with wise, experienced, responsible, reliable, and sensible. Spencer Herbert said “mature is the man of a well proportioned and harmonious nature.” Edmund Wilson was a little less profound when he said, “Grow up, that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another.”

Ethics refers to a system of manners or etiquette that governs how one should act in life’s various settings. Sometimes we forget various settings require various manner sets. Minding our manners is a conscious effort. It is very easy to lose our bearing and commit a faux pas. Let me publicly apologize for mine now. I am sure there have been many. Additionally, manners cannot be arbitrary. Manners should be well-defined and universal to every extent possible

Let me suggest six basic principles from which one might construct a reliable ethical system. First and foremost, my manners must take into account how I am going to treat people. Galatians 6:10 says; “As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.” Paul told Titus to remind the church to “speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show every courtesy to everyone” (Titus 3:1-2, NRSV). The second principle is guard the contents of my heart towards people. Esau got in trouble because “he said in his heart… I will kill my brother” (Genesis 27:41). “Though hatred is covered with guile... it will be exposed in the assembly” (Proverbs 26:26).

The third principle is I must understand what the key concepts of relationship really mean. For instance; what is respect, what is honesty, what is friendship? Definitions of these vary by culture, location, and community. It is important to have thought these concepts out and to understand them completely so one can live them accurately. The forth principle is to determine how I am going to handle difficult people or situations. The key is to “never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18, NRSV).

The fifth principle should govern our public demeanor. This is the impression you leave on the server at Applebee’s or what the cashier thinks of you as you walk away. Man that is a scary thought! Paul told the Philippians that they should “do all things without murmurings and disputing: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world" (Philippians 2:14-15). To the Colossians, Paul wrote that they should “lead lives worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, as you bear fruit in every good work and as you grow in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:10).

Finally, our manners should govern our speech. Lord help me! It is important that our “conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone” (Colossians 4:6, NLT). We should never use “foul or abusive language," [but] “let everything [we] say be good and helpful, so that [our] words will be an encouragement to those who hear [us]” (Ephesians 4:29, NRSV). We should always bear in mind that our speech is probably the most accurate reflection of our thoughts. How wise the admonition; “For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile” (1 Peter 3:10).

When asked what he intended to do about his enemies, Abraham Lincoln said he intended to destroy them. He said he would do so by making them his friends. I hope one day, to one degree of intimacy or another, the world is my friend. If I am to reach that goal, it will be due to the fact that I maturely managed each relationship with a carefully constructed ethical system. Help me Lord!!!